Anniversary

Tomorrow came   and so did I   to
a vivid memory of you     your already faded tattoos

  the alto sax I drew
forever pinned to your side     like I was for a time

Angelo below your ankle
   orange sea turtle   I named after my childhood hero
 You shortened it   made pretend it stood for something different

Most days they stayed  hidden     like us from the sun
  locked under layers
 the way you have to dress in the Midwest

 but I was there when they first got wet

   cream on black on cream
a thin layer of ink   describes a curve
 we form our bodies around     it     each other

You used   to play jazz   out your alto sax
and I would kiss  the one on your skin
pretend I could play it     or my bass
  the deep E's drops to deeper D's
 and  hang   in this hollow space

 I never had an hard shell case for anything   I loved

  to write you the words   you were against
my prose   poems     even more of those     I kept
to myself     and        carved the ink into my chest

I always burns this time of year

XGFALARMS

Christina

Sirens haunt me   in every colour
though I don’t  know  which  hue  or  key    major or minor

you’re better  with the music     we sorted on your living
room  floor     circa  four

our  organs   matched clocks
at the time   they both stopped   (is 8:17 significant?)

Lips  for the first  time   though I slept with you before
hand  in your pants   for a two hour nap

a morning shoot   means a morning commute
 lonely        exhausted        I tried

but as I looked  in  your sixteen year old  eyes
 I lied


Juliana

My tongue raw     you
whispered     no one’s   done  that before

I’ve  never  been     that person
  and you were serious

(why this rush?)   I know I   spoke too sleepy
I can’t  see you and  smile

like a good boyfriend     I shut
 up and pretend

Truth is   it was dark   and   you half
looked  and  sounded  like   Melanie

so I  spent  years of  pent
 up impossibilities


Melanie

   (ellipses)
permafrost   presence

 regardless  of it’s working status
my heart shivers     winters

     timber!  as we came        crashing
  (the  neighbors  always  knew)

 said I  should  be louder
but my voice  was an alien   in that space

   though there was no
   hot  tub  threesome   or   stripping

We both became what we
were afraid of

Summer Some More

I compiled a Summer Sampler for a Chicago Winter
plucked out the strong songs     all five of them
   (I'm just glad one wasn't about Melanie)

  We used to put the CDs on repeat
  to hear our 90s childhood over again     as we
  did things     kids didn't

 Sin on my skin     I welcome it   sit back
 drink it   and you  in     like naked sunshine
 moonbeams   raindrops     any setting's fine with me for us

   Glitches like clockwork every six/eight months
   the relationship equivalent of the blue screen of death
   I was trying so hard to find a solution     permanent

  I lost
           you     hope     everything (I thought at the time)
Colour faded from my screen of death eyes

Listened to the CD till every note     memorised
 haunted me     waking     asleep
  burned disc  burned in my mind

  I just wanted   some     some more
  Sodom     Sodom   Gamorrah

I (still) Do ...(fuck?)

July   of   '05
  it was already past  my curfew
   but like most nights
 I could barely  care less

 as we stood there
   bodies separated  by your backyard  fence
the wire intertwined     like our fingers
   above it        and   below   the surface

  our hearts touched   as our minds crossed

 my lungs dropped   to match your jaw
then we'd both draw        breath     (conclusions)

I thought   I knew   what you wanted to say
  like most times     (I was right
   but like every time        I never said anything)

 I never said anything

I wanted to wait     hear the words in your voice
before I     (rinse   lather)     repeated     deeper     with a too

Past Tense of a Davis Guggenheim Documentary

I love the loud sounds
   your over-enthused moans   in you mother's house
  (that time Traci walked in on us)

  I laughed   felt half bad     you thought nasty   (sexy)   thoughts
   and laughed

We always  laughed  in the bedroom
  giggles gave way  to euphoric silence
     subtle let go of breath

   I could never catch
 but you were fast     had lungs that'd last     so you took it

I wanted to play the rogue     stealth     steal yours as well
seal it away        between my two hands     behind my back
  attempt to tease   through lightning teeth
   I'm all shock   no sting

  Jokes     unintended things
costly side effects   to our skinny love
We fucking        broke the bed     (and several others in)

metal bars bend     louder than laughs
we can't mask     the truth   or lies
  said my  stupid  skinny  lines     and
  the  skinny  sounds  died

Asshole

same sexy brown   hair   eyes
   though yours filter  out  the lies
 coming  out  but not in

you said you wanted   this   and so did
   I        but didn't mean it

Sure I'm Sure

You can't have irony   without certainty
and I lost     what I thought
was mine

Comfort redefined     found in fears
slow scared proccess   taking years
or days     I'm still not sure which
I held sacred in this   or other lies

Eyes on the empty     spaces
between   ourselves   and so many things
I can't see black     I just don't see white
colour-coded cones   of mine

sculpt and redefine   my
ironic?     uncertain
comfort

What We Should Be Doing

I should be happy     it's as simple as that

but instead I find   myself   filled with fear
I've wanted what I thought I've wanted for years
to get back to that place   (though it's no location
just a figment of my fragmented imagination)

I can't have what doesn't exist

I know you had hope   lost it   got it back
and I'd feel like an even bigger ass to steal it again
but I just can't think of any other alternative
(What     this working?)

I can't hide my pessimistic optimism
I feel like shit now     but it'll all fix itself somehow   (maybe)

I should be happy     it's as simple as that

But I can't fight the fear     of having the fear
of losing someone     (just give up)

I know I'd fucking ruin it     (Fuck   that bitch did it
she fucking ruined me)     it's as simple as that

Same Simple

I     a man of simple taste(s)
a pen     a page
frustration at the correlation   (or the lack of)
   between the sheets and the screen

(Bastard html    expelling my [coded space]s)
(so I type them by hand)

How lazily I employ these fingers
Click   Clack     till the bones show

I sit back   and laugh   at how sad
I am     same simple pursuit

She's just a muse amusing herself

I Slept with Osaka

The “m” in the center of the back of your sweater
formed the perfect curve     I want to form my body around     yours

(You’re my)   Xylem without the Xy   (okay   so you’re not mine)

You and me is how I read the “U” and “M”
(talk about selective seeing)

“Co” and “Co”     as in my imagined habitating
oh my god     how come I can only think of Oh My Goddess

     Here I am   with my friends   laying next
     to the girl I like   (sober me screaming
     telling drunk me to act)   and all my whiskey powered
     self manages to carry out is playing a joke and placing
     my dick on her shoulder and head
             God   I’m stupid          but you have no idea how much

I’ll beat myself up     over not speaking up
   while I had the courage

I’ll drain the liquids from my veins come morning
so I can go back to just yearning     not acting
never living into my potential

I wear size 6 or 12 shoes     (length or width)     (they’re different)

My feet don’t overshadow yours as much as my hands
(though I’m far behind them in terms of talent)

I saw your hair from the back     at night   it looked black
I froze   then shuddered     A flash of nightmares
came back     I thought you were Melanie     and not
   my not mine   Ellie

Eating Airwaves

Apply my chapstick   (Blistex)   smack     throw that shit in a chapbook
feel the high fahrenheit     to write   one of my own
but it won't belong in the same     (what's bigger than a ballpark?)

I feel     but can't quite capture it
   two separate lives placed on two separate shelves

You talked of God and Cain     cause and effect events
linked by chains     affecting our carbon bodies

I flip through copies of your inked paper
reading incessantly     praying to sink
   so that they may seep into me

I want to feed off you     your talent
eat the airwaves we create with rants

I can't hold water in my hands
   or a belief in god

I've read too many pages
of books     (I didn't find the good one that great)

My hungry eyes made it audible
and my mind decides it doesn't sound right
coming from my lips     I can't apply   it to my life

like chapstick to my lips     to kiss your chapbook
in my leaky hands   goodnight

That Pale Paisley Print Didn’t Fool Me Or Lull Me Into a False Sense of Serenity

Double bass digits     burning holes through tabletops

I never much liked the doctors     or waiting
spending all my precious pent up patience
and non-existent paper notes     that stand for promises

I'll never get to keep

Cut a hole     use them as bait
to fish for answers in this well lit hell

White sterile coats stare at us
(we must look a fine pair)

The lady with a paper hat took me aside     looked in my eyes
and the bitch had the balls to ask if I could be mature

Didn't she know what the fuck was going on?
(I mean     that's her job)

We just lobbed lies in a volatile volley     you and I
didn't know what the fuck we were doing